A Loser’s Guide – Do’s And Don’ts of Sucking up to Your Boss

suck-up1. Remember Your Boss’s Viewpoint is Your Viewpoint

Don’t — Be a loser, period! (Fat chances that) You might be awed by your boss but don’t nod or gawk too much while listening or talking to your boss.  Don’t salivate or gulp (we know you do it). When asked for your opinion, don’t blurt out an unequivocal agreement in your first morning breath.

Do — Play smart. Play pretend. Do find out your boss’s opinion in advance by tracking his phone, eavesdropping and other similar (im)possible means. Regurgitate same thoughts and peddle similar logic in the meeting BUT by disagreeing slightly. (Quite difficult but you need to) pretend that you are an independent thinker.

2. Feed Your Boss His/her Own Ideas

Don’t — Be the quintessential suck-up-of-a-loser that nobody can possibly like in this world and Hereafter. Don’t pester your boss by asking his favorite cartoon movie, childhood fantasy and whether he likes fairies better than superheroes. Don’t bring your boss gifts. Now then, don’t want to be caught up brown-nosing him blatantly, do you?

Do — Stick your ears to your boss’s room to get an inside scoop. Do it within first 10 – 15 min. of his arrival in the office every day.  Do meet your boss’s friends to explore more. Next time your boss asks a question or your preference, feed him his own ideas in the same jargon and argot. He will think you can almost read his mind.

3. Stalk your Boss

Don’t — Be a dullard that you already are. Don’t think too much (simply because you can’t). That you are devoid of brains is painfully obvious. When we say don’t stalk your boss, it means you should not be unsubtle and loud while dogging your boss in the office or elsewhere. Don’t be a nuisance. Please!

Do — Find out where your boss takes his dirty laundry. Go there at exact same time. Pretend you live nearby. Do go to the same jogging track that your boss frequents. In fact, buy a dog if your boss has one – same breed, same color, opposite gender. Do sit in the park on an easy-to-spot bench and pretend to be oblivious of your boss’s presence. Pretend hard. Not a few days will pass before you will get noticed by the Big B.

4. Master the Fine Art of Flattery

Don’t — Be an obvious suck-up. Don’t brown-nose explicitly. Don’t lick boots overtly. Don’t dribble while praising your boss. Don’t praise your boss too much in front of your colleagues. This is a no-brainer.

Do — Be head and shoulders above rest of your colleagues by learning the fine art of flattery. Here, you have the chance to impress not only your boss but also yourself. Ask your boss about how you can replicate their success or pull off a strategy. Detect your boss’s mood. Frame your flattery, focus and fire.

5. Time Your Arrival and Departure

Don’t — Ask boss when he arrives, where he like to spend time with his family and what time he watches 9:00 PM news and 10:00 PM cartoon movie with kids.

Do — Find out these things on your own. Find out where your boss parks his car. Arrive five minutes ahead of your boss and park just next to that spot. Wait. Greet him and don’t forget to praise his squeaky-new Lamborghini or that snake-skin Italian wallet. Your boss is a class, you need to (pretend to) be just that (although you can never even dream to ascend to that level). Time your departure with your boss’s. Be noticeable.

Disclaimer: The author is not a loser, hence not a suck-up. The above piece is a simple tongue-in-cheek guide for losers who google ‘flatter-your-boss’ and ‘how to suck-up-to-your-boss’.

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