[Caution: This blog is verbose and contains pompous use of lexis to mimic the expression of a fake liberal.]
Dear – Sleek – Sexy – Elite – Leather – Black – Domani – Diary – That – I – Bought – from – the – UK,
To start with, I am not a fake liberal. It is those despicable Mullahs and fugly Taliban apologists (especially those PTI – trolls who are swarming the social media. They make me want to barf) who call me a fake liberal. In actuality, I am simply a foreign graduate who has spent whole two years of his life (in fact 753.5 days to be exact) abroad. You can say I am moderately enlightened. I believe these two years have broadened my vision in a way my life in Ichhra would never have done so. My perspective has been broadened to such an extent that I now believe I am an expert on all issues in Pakistan – be it education, economy, government, science and politicians. That reminds me, I am incontrovertibly an outstanding and distinguished connoisseur on the (in)famous Taliban Khan as well. I often spill pearls of my fake wisdom on Express Tribune – the only solace in Pakistan for angrez-wannabe wusses such as myself etc.
Taliban Khan (I refuse to acquiesce he even has any other moniker), I believe, is the persona non grata #1. Not only he sickens us broad-minded liberal avant-grade with his preposterously unbendable and shameless support for TTP, I also believe we should bring in a resolution or some kind of obstreperously-pronounced law to outcast him. Such is my abhorrence for that beardless playboy-cum-maulvi. Huh! (Playboy practice – approved. Mullahism – rejected.)
Actually what I believe is that we need to bring in a western style of system and government – approved by both India and America. In order to effectuate it, we need to expel all the maulvis and religious-minded people from the country, for starters. In fact, let me go as far as to say that we need to have the exact social and management system that is quintessential of secularism and (fake) liberalism – just as things function in The Great India, The United States of Glorious America and Ecumenical Europe. (Where I spent the fanciful days of my youth as the delivery boy).
To consummate such a perfect society, conforming to the values of liberals, I have a few suggestions;
- For openers, change the name of Pakistan. Why, it has Islamic connotations. You know how allergic I am to anything remotely related to religion. I suggest ‘Kiss-tan’ which is more in line with love, peace and romance.
- We need to get our mitts right onto our syllabus. I have always had qualms about what they teach our kids. Replace Islamiat by the ‘Harmony between all religions’ [such as Hinduism and Atheism etc. (now now, don’t tell me atheism is not a religion)].
- We need not to teach our children the history of Pakistan. We must, if truth be told, teach them the history of TTP and that dreadful Zia mindset, our biggest threat.
- I also have compunctions about the term ‘sub-continent’. Replace it with ‘The Greater India’.
- I am utterly sick and tired when they refer to our wonderful exemplary human-friends Hindus as Banyas. Hindus and Angrez are superior. Here, I must not forget to commend the efforts of GEO News to dispel such rubbish notions.
- Also, our children need not be the frogs of the well. Teach them how vast and beautiful the world is – especially Israel and India.
- Also, if possible, stop teaching Urdu. It is pointless to teach a thing that we know already. Teach our kids English. (Hindi should be an optional subject as well).
- Not only have I always looked down upon our currency, I think it is time to trade in dollars given the shocking and well-deserved decline of already-decaying rupee.
To offer our invaluable services, my fake liberal clan, comprising of Pervaiz Hoodbhoy, Marvi Sirmed, Nusrat Javeed, Saroop Ijaz, Kamran Shafi, Bina Sarwar, and Asma Jahangir etc., is under starter’s orders. I demand we be instated in different government posts pronto to bring in a fake revolution in the country.
PS. Attached is the endearing collaged photo of my fake liberal friends. We all are one.